You were the one who made me angry and in the end i have to console u?! If u hadn't said those words then nothing would have happened. Honestly why? Why cant u just not treat everyone the same. U love treating ppl harsh but as ur girlfriend u shld noe im not that kind of person who takes harsh comments. I just need words of encouragement. Do i ever say im disappointed in u whenever u have problems academically? I dont! All i do is encourage u! Why cant u do the same?! It is that hard or am i expecting too much? Must u say harsh words before saying some encouraging stuffs? If thats the case then it's alright, you don have to encourage me. I will be better off not hearing harsh words.
I don't know what I really feel and what I truly want
Thursday, July 19, 2012
I lied to my Dear. I lied to him that I wasn't angry nor sad when I saw his tweet. I did that cos he was overseas and I didn't want him to feel upset in a foreign country. I really hope this is a valid reason.
Of cos it would be sad for me cos those words are really hurting. If he was only referring to the quarrel yesterday, then I think it would be unfair to me cos I didn't reply him cos I thot he went for his classes and not that I didn't care abt him. But on the other hand, he might be right. I realised that during quarrels, I really won't show any care or concern. But that's really my character. I can't bring myself to do it cos I'm already in a very bad mood. How am I suppose to change my mindset and feelings and suddenly care for someone else. I can't do that even for my family. I don't know, I really don't know. I just hope he would understand that it is my character and try to compromise with it just like how I compromise with his temper or any other characteristics. I will learn from it slowly but it is almost an impossible job for me.
Sometimes I would think, "Will it be long lasting? Will he be able to take it for the rest of his life?" I really don't know and I hope an answer would drop right in front of me. Maybe I really suck at this.
I am so happy that I can go on a cruise with my dear dear! :):):) I wanna return his mum the money but he just won't let me :(:(:( What shld I do? Shld I return or not? Zzzzz Don't care, I must return... Or else I will feel super duper bad... Deficit then deficit, money can be earned again but I really don feel good that his mum is paying for me :(
But I'm super looking forward to this trip!!! It's my first overseas trip with my dear boy and it won't be the last!!! There will be more to come!!! I love my dear boy so much!!! <3 I wanna take lots and lots of photos with him!!! I wanna enjoy every single millisecond with him!!! I wanna enjoy those food with him too!!! Omg I'm just so excited!!! 27 May!!! I'm so looking forward to that day and the subsequent 3 days!!! Hehehe! xD
I asked you how do you guage when u park a car. You keep telling me to estimate, estimate and estimate. Then when I park like shit, u laugh at me. Fuck, what is this? You think it feels good? I'm trying to learn here and u dig on me. I bet u felt good ya. Fuck it. I hate this. I don't wanna cry anymore. I must be strong. I've had enough of crying when my bf scolded me like shit for small mistakes I made when I answer econs questions. I must change. I must grow up and learn from my mistakes and not cry over it. I will find a way out and PROVE to everyone that I can do it too. I've really had enough of you spitting sacarsms at me.
Here I am again finding another platform to release my sadness... First of all, I am a bastard. I don't think from other people's point of view. I don't stand in other people's shoes and think for them. I suck. I really suck at being a good girlfriend. I must learn. I must learn how to think mature. I must start to think from other's point of view. Esp my dear dear. I have been a bad girlfriend to him. I love him so I should do all these for him. I am selfish! I have to change! Change the way I think! Starting from today onwards, I will think from other people's point of view! I'm really sorry my dear. I can only say sorry to you here. Cos I know you don't want to hear me say sorry. I'm really sorry. You don't know how scared I was just now when you told me you need some love. You sounded as though you doubted my love for you. I was really scared that you would leave me. I already know that you are important to me but I didn't do enough to show you that you are important to me. I don't ever want you to leave me. Never ever! I must change! For the sake of my dear dear, I must change and learn! I really want to walk the isle down with you. And entrusting the rest of my life to you. And most importantly, be the woman behind your back to support you, until you die. I really love you. I will change for you cos I love you. I hope you don't doubt my love for you and pls give me a chance and some time to learn to be a better girlfriend. To be honest, I want you to see this post. But I will not let you see this. Never. After today, I will change for the better. I will remember your words. I WILL START TO THINK FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW AND LET YOU TANK LESS OR BEST, NO DAMAGE. You are really the best boyfriend. I must treasure you! I love you. That is really from the bottom of my heart.
It's been a long long time since I posted. Today, I just wanna find a platform to release my unhappiness. I made my dear boy angry today. I cried for like 1 whole hr. That has been the most hurting moment I ever felt. My heart literally ached. It was really really painful. For the first time, he send me a message that he wouldn't usually send. A very formal message, "Yes. Going to bed now. Nights." Of cos, I deleted that. Cos everything about him should be happy moments. I already expected him to reply this kind of message. But I just can't control my emotions. The moment I read his message, tears were flowing from my eyes like tap water running. After crying, I felt giddy and very cold. For my whole life in 19 years, I never cried this much and never ever ever cried with so much sadness. I really don't want such things to happen again. But from this incident, I can see that I really love my dear boy so much that I'm so afraid of losing him. And I'm really glad that he replied my message so that I know he is safe :)
Hui Tien, you've got to solve this problem tmr. Apologise to him and tell him you're wrong. Tell him that you know where you went wrong and how you will change. Muster up your courage and do what you're suppose to do. Don't care if you cry like crazy tmr. Just do it. I know I can do it and I will make my dear boy happy again. I'm sorry my dearest Zu Yao. I'm really sorry. I really hope you can see what I've typed here but I know this won't happen. It's alright, I will and can tank all of these damage. Oh and really a big thanks to Gifford who lend me a listening ear when I really need one. Really thank you. And thank Buddha for arranging Gifford to ask me what happened. Thank you Buddha.
I guess I won't be able to sleep well tonight. But it's okay. That will be my punishment for what I had cause my dear boy. Even if my dear boy doesn't forgive me tmr, I'll just tank it and say sorry. Repeat everything again and again. If that doesn't work then I'll just leave him for the time being and think about other ways to make him forgive me. I'm really sorry my dear boy. You don't know how many times I want to say sorry to you. I'm really very sorry.
Woots! Last paper yesterday! Can slack and relax all day today :D Anyways, I'm going out to orchard area with my uni friend later :D Gonna window shop and EAT! Muahahahha! Love love love eating! Shit I think I've put on some weight. Need to pull someone to gym with me xD
Oh ya... I'm prepared to fail POA... Now I'm starting to love econs. It used to be "I hate econs to the core!" I think it's also partly because of the teacher and the style of answering questions is very different from A'level style. In uni, we have super a lot of diagrams which I think I can understand better. Whereas for A'level, it's all about writing essays essays and more essays. Well... I'm really lucky that I've got such a humorous econs teacher. ^^
Anyways, PT is on Nov 15... I think I've said this b4 in my previous posts, but I'll just say it again xD I really wanna pass for the first time... But until now I'm still not confident enough... I need more practice!!! Btw, Uncle told me that next few lessons will be going to ubi and circuit. Woohoo! But that means more money too... Oh well, just enjoy every single driving lesson! :D
Just bought new guitar strings yesterday. Cost me $6... Reasonable :D $1 per string :) Yea! Learning how to change guitar strings this sat :D:D:D:D I think for the time being, I won't take up any CCA. I'll wait till next year. Since I've got guitar lessons outside, I think that would be sufficient to keep my stress level low :D
